• What's Your Halloween Horoscope?


    Want to know what you’ll be doing this Halloween? We can tell you.
    Words by Christin Bailey


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Aries: Endlessly explaining to everyone who is wearing a pair of animal ears why you do not dress up is just assuming the character of Wet Blanket, which—after all that contrarianism—is still a form of costume. Hate to break it to you, but you’re participating.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Taurus: There are two paths: (1) spend weeks assembling the perfect costume to go out; or (2) spend hours sitting at home with the lights all off remaining perfectly motionless as to not alert the trick-or-treaters just outside your door to your presence.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Gemini: You may feel like you are the only one getting into the spirit. You might even find yourself sitting in a bar on a Friday night and being the only one wearing a costume. Only then will it occur to you that the Halloweekend is before the 31st this year, not after. Oops!


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Cancer: The uncertainty about how the night will unfold can be exciting, but there is one thing about Halloween that will always thrill you… It’s only one day until all the candy is final sale and you can finally change out your festive pumpkins for your seasonal decorative gourds!


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Leo: The call is always coming from inside the house. The werewolf snarl is always right in front of you as you turn, exhaling a sigh of relief in the evil woods. All your plans unravel in exactly the ways we have come to expect, but you’re the protagonist right? So thankfully it always pretty much works out alright for you. 


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Virgo: So you want to have fun this Halloween? With the curl of a monkey’s paw you get your wish, and none of the parties are good, but they all give you a lot to be extremely critical of.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Libra: You will be highly suggestible and sensitive to your environment. Take special care that you do not accidentally become a bank robber because you dressed as one for Halloween and so you just have to do it because it goes with your outfit.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Scorpio: With all the spooky undercurrents electrifying the night, Halloween can be an auspicious occasion for exploring your dark side but, jeez—why would you want to? The black cats are already afraid to cross your path. 


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Sagittarius: Let the one hallowed principle of this season guide you: when there is no one around to enforce the “Take One” sign above the candy bowl, anything goes.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Capricorn: It is just so typical for you to not take the wicked folklore seriously and to—in your mocking recitation of a cursed scroll—accidentally on purpose conjure up an ancient evil. Nobody needs that again; let somebody else make the plans this year.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Aquarius: Like a monster emerging on Halloween only to be told “good costume!” by an unsuspecting reveler, what a joy it’ll be for you to be able to hide in plain sight. Between the Sexy Sea Monkeys and ghoulish dead versions of beloved children’s show characters, whatever it is that you’re always doing is gonna seem pretty normal now.


    Above: Never Made X UO Tapestry

    Pisces: Remember there is nothing to fear but fear itself; with its hunched shoulders heaving just out of your periphery, the moonlight glinting off its unsheathed claws, and suddenly in the stillness, the snap of a twig—uh oh! Happy Halloween!


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