Things To Stay On Earth For
Have you seen this Mars One thing yet? It's literally the most terrifying prospect I've ever seen, and for once in my life I am not being hyperbolic. Basically people are applying to go to Mars and never come back. If you need to take a minute to lie down and have a panic attack, I understand. If you're selected for the mission, you'll fly off to Mars to live in an inflatable pod until you die because scientists don't yet have the technology to bring people back. AUGH. I know. It's terrible. I'd never do it, because Earth is full of so many delightful things that make me never want to leave. Here are some of them. —Katie
What if you get to Mars and you realize you don't like any of the three people you're going to be living with forever? Every two years, four more astronauts will be shot up to Mars to chill with you, but, man, that is some slim pickins. What if no one gets your humor? Or likes to talk about the movie Twilight? You'll be forced to talk to a volleyball, a la Wilson.
I bet diehard Mars fans will be like, "Whatever, I don't need french fries. I will be fine crunching on this dehydrated ice cream sandwich. Space exploration rocks! McDonald's is the downfall of America, anyway."
All of those people are liars.
Mars wouldn't have an abundance of cute people to crush on. It would have approximately eight people to maybe crush on. This is considered a fate worse than death to some (me).
You know how sometimes you're like, "I'm going to step out for a bit of air"? Not gonna happen on Mars, buddy. On Mars it's like, "I'm going to step out in my gigantic spacesuit to go stare at this planet that looks exactly the same all over and imagine the wind blowing through my hair and also I will try not to cry because wiping my tears through my space helmet is pretty much impossible." And then you cry anyway.
Well, maybe Netflix would work on Mars, but it would probably always be buffering like crazy. So there you are, sitting in your inflatable house, watching the buffer screen go from 23%, down to 19%, and back up to 23%. Again you will try not to cry. Again you will fail.
If you're like, "Boy, I sure am getting a little stir-crazy here in my pod..." then your options are 1.) Go to another pod that is the same and probably occupied by someone you hate or 2.) Put on your giant spacesuit and go walk around in Mars dust. Gravity is lower on Mars so it might be fun to kick a rock for 20 minutes, but then the rock flies away and you're left with nothing but despair and the grim realization that you'll never again enjoy the simple things in life, like consuming a 64 oz. soda at a movie theater.