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The Normal Superhero


Superman is great and Batman is fine, but sometimes we're not falling out a window or getting handed kryptonite by a bald guy named Lex, and we might still need some help. Sometimes we're simply comatose on our beds over the thought of taking out the trash and we just need A Normal Superhero, not a Captain America. Lucky for us all, I found him. The hero we deserve, and also the one we need because we are lazy and life is hard. Here are his powers. —Katie



Shapeshifter
Able to take the form of Harry Styles on command. Or Jordan Catalano. Or all of The Spice Girls. Or 1997 Leo. Because "never getting to meet anyone famous" and "never having The Spice Girls perform in our basement" and "needing to make out" are very real and serious problems.

WiFi Tower
Never again would we have to worry about sitting in the grass, fruitlessly refreshing Instagram, shaking one fist to the heavens and cursing our failed "LTE," whatever that is. Anytime a single tear hits an iPhone, Normal Superhero is there to share his/her WiFi capabilities.

Snacks
While most superheros are busy saving the world and like, whatever, Normal Superhero would concern him/herself with the more important tragedies of daily life. A quiet whisper of "Oh my god! I'm out of potato chips!" would bring Normal Superhero smashing through our walls Kool Aid Man style with 13 of the finest varieties of potato chips money could buy.

Money
Normal Superhero has a magic bag of limitless cash because he knows what it's like out there. You really want to save us, Spiderman? Give us $20,000 to help pay off our student loans. Oh, you can't? You can only zap your little spiderweb across our apartments while you daydream about Mary Jane? THANKS FOR NOTHING.

Jetpack
Because jetpacks are fucking cool, okay. Plus, moon picnics!