Thanksgiving is hard. Like, how am I supposed to cook a turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing all in the same day? How am I supposed to keep all of that warm until it's time to eat? How is it supposed to take less than 19 hours? How am I supposed to have enough money to buy a $16 turkey? I'M NOT A WIZARD. If you want to spend absolutely zero time and money making anything this Thanksgiving, then I'm here to help. All you need is a stove and absolutely no interest in impressing guests. -Katie
Stove Top Stuffing is delicious AND easy. If you're making any other kind of stuffing, then you're doing it wrong.
Cranberry sauce from a can is disgusting to me but everyone else in the world seems to love it and it requires no effort at all to make. Plus it's like, one dollar. Do you have a can opener? Congratulations. You are now a cranberry sauce chef.
Mashed potatoes are essential for Thanksgiving, but I think my tiny, apartment stove would collapse if I tried to boil a giant pot full of potatoes. That's why America is wonderful: PRE-MADE MASHED POTATOES! If you want to get fancy, dump in a tub of sour cream and two sticks of butter. Your potatoes will be life-threateningly unhealthy and delicious.
In lieu of turkey, make some scrapple. I know it looks disgusting, but it's actually the nectar of the gods, and it's precooked so all you have to do is drop it in a pan for 5-10 minutes. Hell, you don't even have to cook it if you don't feel like it. Pennsylvania Dutch goodness, comin' atcha.
Pumpkin pie from the grocery store is weirdly expensive and not even that good. Since you don't care about presentation, go out and get five to ten baby pumpkin pies from McDonalds. They're delicious and two for a dollar. Trust me, no one will be mad about this. Ronald McD knows what he's doing.
If all else fails, bring out a case of The Champagne of Beer and watch everyone who is 21+ go from staring at your scrapple with trepidation to eating it with both hands. You're basically a world-class chef now. Now go forth and continue to half-ass your way through every holiday to come.