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How To Choose A Summer Camp

Do you guys want to know my nightmare? Going to a supposedly awesome summer camp and then getting murdered by a crazed individual because the camp ended up being Jason's mom's revenge. Like, have you seen this Great Horror Campout that is happening in L.A. this weekend? Holy shit! Can't even imagine how fast I would have a heart attack doing something like that. If you're as terrified as I am that you'll wander all willy-nilly into Murderville this summer, here are some foolproof ways to tell that you have, in fact, landed yourself in a horror movie camp instead of the normal, craft-makin' camp you were hoping for. —Katie


1. Hotties
If everyone at your camp is totally hot, RUN! No good will come of this! You might be like, "Wow, this is great! We're all going to have a lot of fun, and I'll probably get to make out with a fine hunny." Don't think that. Just hop back in your mom's station wagon, and go on home. Real camp is not this great. Real camp will have that mouth-breather from Hey Arnold! hitting on you, not 1980 Kevin Bacon.


2. Making out with aforementioned hotties
Duh. No one ever gets to really make out at camp. If you do, you're most certainly going to get a noose put around your neck, or you'll be getting ready to make out and then you'll realize that something wet is dripping on you from the top bunk and it's your bunkmate's blood and then you'll get your head cut off. Seriously, unless you're wrapping yourself in a robe and calling it a night at 9 PM, you better get out of that camp. And fast.


3. A lot of people looking to go have fun in the woods, especially at night
NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS IN THE WOODS, YOU SILLY KIDS. Don't fall prey to the lure of a free keg and a good time. Nothing. Good. Happens.


4. Swimming
If you're going to camp, just stay away from water in general. Night swimming is especially bad, but even day swimming is pretty risky. Canoes? Forget about it. If there's a lot of all that going on, there's a pretty solid chance you've landed yourself in a horror movie and it's only a matter of time before one of the campers you're bunking with gets themselves dragged to the murky depths of the disgusting lake you're swimming in by some rotting zombie-monster.


5. Decrepit housing
In like, every scary camp movie or "cabin in the woods" movie, the main characters always parade happily into a cabin that looks like it's literally held together with popsicle sticks and glue. Are you kidding? Hightail it out of there, you idiots. Why do you want to stay in that spider den anyway?