• Foreign Horror: Martyrs

    October has arrived and you're in the mood for horror. You've seen all the American classics and the Japanese stuff is totally overrated. So watch Martyrs, the remorselessly violent, super scary but contemplative French movie from 2008. This the point in a review where I should write something like "Martyrs is the story of..." but this shit is too crazy to even summarize. In the beginning it seems like an ultra-violent revenge story, then it becomes an ultra-violent, what-the-fuck-is-that-scary-monster movie, and then, because it's French, the movie asks us (violently) to ponder the nature of life and death and the limbo that may exist between them. It sounds a bit confusing, but the varying plots ask you to find the connection between them, leading to an ultimately satisfying ending. Being clear: it's a good movie.

    Being clear again, Martyrs is hard to watch. But what do we do with unsettling things? Make light of them with screen caps and jokes, obvi. Plus you need to watch it so when that asshole horror buff in your film studies class is getting all pretentious you can be like "Bro, have you seen Martyrs?" and he'll be like "...No. What's that?" and you can be like "LOL bro aren't you up on French horror?" and he'll feel all stupid. Unless he has seen it, then you guys can bond like "Dude isn't it fucked up?" and high five and become lifelong friends. Angelo

    Archival footage, a staple of any good horror film, featuring scary nun with bike.

    Great winter style: beanie (I mean toque,) trench and a shotgun.

    It's French so the girls are obviously flawless.

    Hi guyssss!

    This is the still I sent to my horror-buff friend to explain why he should see Martyrs.

    Then this scary old lady shows up and stuff starts getting existential, LIKE ANY GOOD FRENCH MOVIE SHOULD.

    I'm not going to tell you what's up in this scene but believe me, it's rough.

    And it all comes down to this one moment, a whisper spoken from the brink of death, and you're either like "Ohhhhh," or "What???" but either way it makes you want to watch the movie again (in a couple months, after your stomach has settled down).