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Doing GOOP's "Spring Essentials" the UO Way



Gwyneth Paltrow recently released her "Spring Essentials" list over on GOOP and then E! pointed out that all the items together cost more than $450,000. Gwynnie, you crazy goose! Like, girlfriend has less than 10 outfits up, and yet she somehow managed to spend more on them than most people do on a house. It's very possible that she's trolling us at this point, but that would be giving a lot of credit to Mrs. Coldplay and also insinuate that she's probably hilarious, so I'm not gonna go that far yet. Instead, I'm going to break down a few of her outfits and come up with some cheaper solutions. Way cheaper. —Katie

"Silk for Slouching"
Grand Total: $2,970



DUUUUUUDE. Yo. I mean. I wish I could slouch in nearly $3K worth of clothes. It'd be the slouchiest slouch I ever slouched. That sweatshirt she's wearing is $675, so... it's reasonable and I'm definitely going to buy it.

My way:
"Not Silk, Still Slouching"
Grand Total: $85


Alternative Crewneck Sweatshirt


Staring At Stars Majestic Lounge Pant


Classic Plimsoll Sneaker

Sure, Gwyn has on those cool wedge sneakers, but they're also $600. If you're saving up your pennies, get some basic, cheap sneakers and call it a day. If you're feeling especially luxurious, you can always spring for your own cool wedges, but if you're just kickin' it around the house, KEDs will never let you down.

"Pretty Pastels"
Grand Total: $2,635


FYI, that bag is $1,695 and it's actually sold out on Net-A-Porter. One day I will be able to afford such luxuries, but until then let's buy the $39 bag and all sing together: "I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm liiiiving."

My way:
"Also Pastels"
Grand Total: $97

Daydreamer LA Trapeze Tee


Fire Polka Dot Pull-On Short


Kimchi Blue Envelope Crossbody Bag

Like, when it really comes down to it, Gwyn is wearing some shorts and a tee shirt that cost more than my rent, and I am so jealous.

"Maxi at Home"
Grand Total: $2,637


Just another casual look for hangin' at home with pals, NBD. I wish I could swan around in what is almost a ball gown on Game Night with my friends, but sadly I can't do that because chips would probably get stuck to the bottom of my skirt and also cat hair and also my Poor Person tears would stain the satin trimming.

My way:
"Maxi probably-not-at-home"
Grand Total: $102


BDG Triblend Shirttail Tank Top


Sparkle & Fade Mesh Inset Maxi Skirt


Ecote Pinwheel Cutout Lace-Up Sandal

So, there we go! Now we all look just as classy and GOOP-y as Gwyn. Once I become a famous actress and marry John Mayer, I'm totally going to start a blog so people can see how I spend $800 to have Cheetos bulk shipped in every morning, but until then I will keep buying my $14 tank tops and living vicariously through Gwynth while playing "Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall" on repeat.