Being a never nude is really hard. You ALWAYS have to have something on... preferably jean shorts. In honor of our love for Tobias from Arrested Development, we would like to share with you the secret of getting his signature look. It's really, really difficult to pull off, but we think it's worth a shot (even if it's premature). —Ally
Get the look:
Some round reading glasses left over from your Analrapist days.
Spending time with your kid is hard, especially when they think you're a jobless loser. Instead of trying to relate to them in order to get some Q.T., dress up like you're their nanny. This involves shaving your facial hair, but trust me, it's worth it. That way, you can keep your kid fooled and still bring out The Man Inside Me (you), with a clip-on mustache at a moment's notice.
Jobless? Loveless? Feeling confused? Join a club for people who feel just as blue as you. You might not end up in the support group you were looking for, but the chance to become an understudy for the Blue Man Group will totally give your ego all the support it needs. You'll just need a lot of body paint—and I mean A LOT. Just be careful touching people/places/things around you.
Urban Renewal Acid-Wash Destroyed Denim Short
Sometimes being a never nude can be overwhelming. People look at you like you're a freak, your own wife makes fun of you and yet at the same time, you have to stay strong and be a good role model for people who suffer from the same insecurities that you do. Want to know my opinion? Hang out with other never nudes and let your cut-offs fly free. Feeling ballsy? Try wearing these.