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10 Reasons Not To Date A Superhero

TL;DR You'll die. Christina



1. There's a trope called "Women in Refrigerators" which refers to the disproportionate number of female comic book characters who are injured, killed, or stripped of their powers, usually to further a male character's story. The term was coined by Gail Simone, the current writer of Batgirl, The Movement, and Red Sonja. The name of the trope comes from Green Lantern #54 (1994). The Green Lantern at the time, Kyle Rayner, comes home to see that his girlfriend, Alexandra DeWitt, has been murdered by a villain named Major Force and stuffed into the refrigerator. (Major Force later decapitates Kyle's mother and stuffs her head in an oven. But don't worry, she's fine, it was just a mannequin. Because comics are ridiculous.)


2. By my count, 16 of Wolverine's love interests have passed away, sometimes even by the hand of Wolverine himself. This count includes Jean Grey (above); Mariko Yashida, Wolverine's fiancee; and Itsu, Wolverine's wife and the mother of his son, Daken. I know Wolverine is all mysterious and damaged but please, keep your distance. He will outlive you and it's not because of his possible immortality.


3. Oh, Madelyne Pryor. If Jean Grey isn't getting out alive, why would her clone? Madelyne, who also has a needlessly complicated back story that involves marrying Cyclops and tons of other nonsense, commits suicide, hoping to telepathically take Jean Grey with her. And yes, she wears this silly costume during the confrontation.


4. Donna Troy is . . . for simplicity's sake, let's just stick with her being Wonder Girl, Wonder Woman's younger sister. She married Terry Long, a middle aged, divorced college professor and single father. They had a child together and later went through a bitter divorce where Donna lost custody of her son. This all happened in a book called Teen Titans, a comic about young adults aimed at young adults. I don't get it either. Luckily, Terry and his children died when their car drove off a cliff during a storm so he never had to face an alternate future where his son became an evil dictator. It's almost better this way.


5. If you want to be surprised when watching The Amazing Spider-Man sequels, don't click on these links. (I feel weird putting a spoiler warning up for a comic from 1973.) If you know your Spider-Man, how did you feel when you saw these set pictures?


6. Even actual superheroes aren't safe. Tora Olafsdotter, better known as Ice, was a member of the Justice League and the girlfriend of Guy Gardner, a Green Lantern. She was murdered by the alien Overmaster and ended up being sent to Hell.  Guy attempts to rescue her but, like the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, she is sent back to the afterlife when her best friend, Fire, turns to look at her. She is later resurrected only to be turned into zombie intent on removing her ex-boyfriend's heart. But the DC Comics universe rebooted and she's totally okay now!


7. The story of Rachel Dawes was never going to end well. She was created for Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy and Batman is not known for ever getting a happy ending. (Have you seen what Batman's been dealing with recently? Will someone give the man a break?) She gets drugged by Scarecrow, stalked by serial killer Victor Zsasz, and tossed out of a building then blown up by Joker. I'm surprised it took so long.


8. The relationship between aliens Karolina Dean and Xavin is far from typical. Karolina is a vegan lesbian who is essentially a super-powered rainbow. Xavin is a shape-shifting gender-swapping royal who has been betrothed to Karolina since childhood. When Karolina's people come to punish her for her parents's warmongering, Xavin shape-shifts into Karolina's form and disappears in a spaceship, ready to endure her love's punishment. She has not been heard from since. Let's be hopeful, just this once. Repeat after me: Xavin's not dead and there will be more Runaways books. Xavin's not dead and there will be more Runaways books. Xavin's not . . . 


9. Betty Ross a.k.a. Betty Banner is the wife of Bruce Banner a.k.a. Mark Ruffalo. After years of an on-again off-again relationship with the giant green man, Betty discovers that she has become sick due to gamma radiation exposure. (Gamma radiation is what turned Mark Ruffalo into the Hulk.) One of the Hulk's enemies, Abomination a.k.a. Tim Roth, discovers Betty's illness and injects her with irradiated blood. Betty's illness and death is just proof the Hulk is a living, breathing cancer diagnosis. Oh, the Hulk knocked over a building? Big deal. The fact that you might need chemo after being rescued by him is way more worrisome. 


10. In the comic book tie-in to the video game Injustice: Gods Among Us, the Joker tricks Superman into killing Lois Lane and the super-fetus chilling in her uterus. If Lois Lane isn't safe, we're all fucked.